Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
