I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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