Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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