im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
