i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
