So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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