I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I faked an abortion last night.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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