She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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