So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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