I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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