Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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