brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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