i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
