Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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