I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Naked Twister starts at high noon
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.