If i come over, it means nothing
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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