Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
