I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
