i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
