I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
