I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
our cab driver is having phone sex.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
