I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
