my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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