if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
