i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
