I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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