Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
