The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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