I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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