He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
