i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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