My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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