He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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