And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
