he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she told me i tasted like america
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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