Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
