Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
