I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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