dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
