They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
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just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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