And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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