A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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