Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
