I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
