im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
FUCK WHALES
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
