Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
