Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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