I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
