At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
