The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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