I cannot find my penis.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
