I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
well you can't waste a boner
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
