Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
