I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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