Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
