What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
