When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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