After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
