the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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