what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
