I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
