you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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