There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
